My husband and I had a rocky start in our marriage. We met while we were young, I was 17 and he was 21. In a sentence, he was the older boyfriend you didn't want your teenage daughter to have. :)
We were on and off, young, reckless and carefree. After we had our first daughter, we broke up for some time as we went different directions. After reuniting and becoming pregnant with our second child, we decided to get married. After 4 years of just an on and off, carefree relationship, we turned into a family of 5 in just a month. My husband has a son from a previous relationship. So while most couples, and families, have some room for growth and adjustments, we were thrown into the thralls of becoming a family, learning to be a married couple, and parenting with each other. Before that, we were both very independent in everything we did.
Needless to say, we argued about anything you could possibly argue about: money, parenting, work, household chores, etc. Our first couple of months were hell. We both were very combative, refusing to back down, and a little argument would soon be a full fledged screaming match, with vases being smashed and doors being slammed.
I began to feel like I had made a mistake. Marriage was supposed to be passionate, wanting to share your life with that person, feeling loved constantly, and I had felt at the time, that we both just got married for the sake of our children and staying together. In my mind, I wanted the fairytale life, and our rushed family felt out of place and the farthest thing from it. There were many things I loved about my husband when were dating and carefree, but now I resented him every time we bumped into the hallway. I was stressed and overwhelmed at the thought that at the end of this argument, we still had to share the same bed, the same roof.
I left a couple of times with my children. While my husband was quick to plead with me, realizing mistakes he had made, I was quick to harden my heart. Even though I may have been wrong as well, I didn't want to to give in. One time, I had left and promised myself I wanted to get a divorce. This was not the life I wanted for myself, not the husband I wanted to for myself, and not what was going to be my future.
We had been staying with my mother for a little over a week, when my 5 year old daughter and I were playing on the floor, she suddenly broke out crying. I tried to calm her down, asking her what was wrong, and she simply replied, "I miss my Dad." She broke my heart. As much as I resented my husband and his tendencies, there was one thing I couldn't deny, he was a great father. An amazing father who gives his children everything they desire. My 2 year old ran in to the room at the mention of "Dada" and began searching for him frantically. She was determined he was there, and when she could not find him, she broke down with her sister.
My husband and I knew that our arguing was not good for our children, but instead of fixing it, we ran and saved it for another day. While he would beg to work things out if I left, I had too much pride to turn back around. Being children of divorced parents, we had the ability in our hands to keep our family together, the only thing in our way was each other and our frustrations.
Unable to watch my children cry anymore, I called my husband. He quickly answered, we talked, and as we came back home, he refused to let go of his little girls. Myself, included.
We both understood that the stress of becoming a family of 5 in a month was hard on us. We didn't know how to be a couple, to be a family, or to think about anyone outside of ourselves. The most important thing that we found out was the first item we needed to work on was us, our marriage. We had one counseling session, but after that, we have just learned from each other.
Personally, I've learned to let things go. Little things I find annoying do not have to be brought up. I'll bring it up playfully later, but I shouldn't let that get me upset, because I am aware that I can be strange as well. I also learned to appreciate what is being done for me. My husband has quickly learned that most of the time, I am right :). And I have learned to let him win sometimes, because we are partners and we each need to feel loved and appreciated. He has learned mainly about communicating and taking the time to hear what I am saying, instead of assuming he knows how I feel.
This took time. It was a process. There were still days were I was feeling frustrated, but I would look at my children and know that we had to make it work for them. My husband adores me, he always has, and I learned to appreciate someone who cares so deeply for me, and appreciate someone who wants me to be happy.
The dream of a "fairytale ending" isn't real. You have to create your own fairytale ending, if it isn't happening, maybe you should look at yourself and your actions. Every relationship is going to be hard work. The bliss is there in the first coupe of years, but as we move on and get comfortable it is up to you and your partner to work together and continue to feel loved.
We celebrated our 7th year together last week. One thing we laughed about at dinner was when I said "This has been the worst years ever!", he smiled with me and said "This has been the fastest years ever... It's going by too fast" I laid my head on his shoulder, and we held each other and enjoyed the view from the restaurant. As we smiled into the distance, all I could think was that this time has really been perfect. I am amazed at how we have made it work, at how happy I am to be with someone who knows inside and out, imperfections and all, and still wants to do anything to make me smile.
It has been hard, but we have reached a point in our marriage where we understand each other, and truly love each other. Finally :)
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